“Months ago.”
Susan looked embarrassed.
“He said you’d wanted to move closer after your father died, and he’d refused because of work.”
“And now he’s considering Seattle.”
“That’s why he felt guilty.”
I stared at her.
“He told you he felt guilty?”
Susan nodded.
“He said Seattle made him realize maybe moving hadn’t been as impossible as he’d made it sound.”
That hurt in a completely different way.
Nathan had realized it.
He understood exactly what this meant.
And instead of telling me, he’d told Susan.
Susan exhaled slowly.
“I should have stopped those conversations.”
I didn’t say anything.
“I kept thinking it wasn’t my marriage, so it wasn’t my place,” she continued. “But that also meant I let him keep talking to me instead of talking to you. I’m sorry.”
For the first time since dinner, I looked at Susan and didn’t see competition.
I saw someone who had accidentally been given a role that should never have belonged to her.
That evening, Nathan was waiting for me when I came home.
“I talked to Susan,” I said.
His shoulders dropped.
“Of course you did.”
“She told me about Mom.”
Nathan looked away.
“So you know exactly why I’m angry.”
“I know why this looks bad.”
“No. Stop doing that.”
He looked back at me.
“You keep talking about how things look. Susan. Seattle. The apartment. None of that is the actual problem anymore.”
“What is?”
“When I wanted us to move, your career made it impossible.”
He opened his mouth.
“When you want to move,” I continued, “you somehow found six months to test-drive another city.”
“This opportunity is different.”
“Why? Because this time you’re the one who wants to go?”
He had no answer.
I felt my anger sharpen into something much clearer.
“When I wanted you to change our life, you told me it wasn’t possible. When you wanted to change it, you planned the whole thing without me.”
“I didn’t plan our whole life.”
“You looked into staying six months.”
“Yes.”
“You talked to Bennett about a permanent role.”
“I didn’t ask for a permanent role.”
“You wanted to see if you liked living there.”
Nathan was quiet.
I stepped closer.
“You talked to Susan about whether I’d ever agree to move. You talked to Susan about my mother. You talked to Bennett about extending your stay. Who exactly didn’t you talk to?”
His face changed.
“I was scared.”
“Of what?”
“That you’d say no before I even knew what I wanted.”
There it was.
The truth.
Not Susan.
Not scheduling.
Not protecting me from uncertainty.
Nathan wanted the chance to decide what he wanted before I had any influence over the decision.
I nodded slowly.
“That’s the problem.”
“Natalie…”
“You thought you got to decide first.”
